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Home Archive for January 2012

This one is an entry of my diary I wrote last January 23, 2012, in the evening. I can't tell you what time. Anyway, this is so O.A. but all i can say is that in that time, nervousness was slowly killing me since I was all alone that night.

Dear Diary,

I love my family. That's true, no questions, no doubts. It's what I know and it's the real reason that explains these all.

My parents are my life. They are the reason on what I have become right now.

This very evening as I write this (though I should admit that I must have done this nights before) I feel twinge and pain inside me. All I could explain is that i am very much worried of anything that might happen. I am afraid of seeing something I couldn't stand to see. My mind, however, is playing back pictures I don't like to see.

There are many experiences that I've encountered, me and my family. Twinges that made us think how cruel the world is. However, this time, I'm the one seeing the cruelty of the world and yes, the bitterness life may bring. I want to enumerate my problems but I can't. I am this weak. All I can say is that I'm afraid my parents will leave me for something or what. I'm afraid that my cousins will forsake me. I'm afraid that my close relatives will be against me. Some of my relatives are very bad already and i can't take it if our closest ones will leave me and my family.

Oooooh. This is really crazy! I'm worried again. (I thought of something) Okay, I'll pray.

Love, love, love,

♥ ireneee ♥

My pen is my sword. That motto still lingers in my head until now. I've been a member of a campus press for eight years already starting in my grade six. I'm not trying to boast you about it or something but I just want to share my experiences with you. These experiences, may it be happy or sad, difficult or easy, sweet or bitter has, somehow, brought a big achievement in my life. At the same time, these pen experiences brought bitterness and sufferings that made me feel confused on whether I'll be proud or regretful because I chose this kind of student life. Until now, I'm still asking to myself, what if I'm just a typical student? would I be contented with my life? wouldn't it be boring? would I be happy then? would I still have those kind of friends I'm having fun with? would my teachers still be proud of me? would my parents still talk about me to their colleagues? would all people I know still like me?

Well, that are my questions which answers are very much unknown to me. As I imagine those supposed situations, nothing came up to my mind but vague and ambiguous pictures and scenarios. Kung baga, wala kang kwenta, Irene, kung hondi ito ang pinili mo. That made me feel sad. It's like.. if you hold nothing so precious and very valuable, no one will accept you, no one will be proud of you as they do. So, you have to be a successful goal-getter. You must climb mountains and cross rivers. 'Yung magsikap ka para umasenso ka. Say, the maxim was not just applied to the life on its material aspects but also to the way the society will look upon you. Then, a though came to me, not all people became successful in life. I mean, those people who are not courageous enough to climb mountains and cross rivers. Does that mean they don't gain the kind of treatment those successful ones get? Then hey, another thought came to me. Some people who haven't been successful are still living happily, living happily with their simple lives, a kind of life which sometimes I dreamt to have. Simple yet still beautiful kind of life. The question was then answered.

Oh. So much for the deep realizations (nalumos nako sa akong english. nyaha.), let's go back to the pen I am talking about.

In my elementary years and even in my high school years, my use of my pen or simply, being a campus journalist is you just have to write, pass it tou your moderator, she will edit it, you will revise it and then, off you go. Simple as that. Then, when you're already an editor, you will just edit works and give commands and requests, then your colleagues will obey. I'm stressing here that when we are young, we are very obedient (plus, our mama will then give us extra allowance, yeeeez!). Pride will be set aside and goal will be the focus of all.

College is different. I'm not saying that goal is not the focus but I am referring to the negation of the first statement being mentioned above: pride will be set aside. In my life now based on experiences, pride was not set aside. Of course, I'm not an expert in psychology or anything but I think it's part of our growing up that pride in us is also growing. As we grow up, we gain knowledge, we gain name, we gain title that at times, we forgot to look down and be humble. I'm not again referring to individuals generally. I know, it depends on the kind of personality a person has. Here, I'm referring to a strong kind of personality. So, that's it, pride. For me, pride in its top extent, is evil. You know why? Because it gives burden to another person. In my case, it's a burden to me when I requested you of something and you ignored me because you think I don't have any right to give you a command or you're older than me. It's a burden to me if I'm asking or demanding (in this word, I think my patience already worn out) you of your output but you didn't hand me anything because you just want to carry burden or you just answered me (harshly and in a wrong way) that you forgot to finish it or you haven't done it at all because you're so busy and your subject is so hard that you have to give your full attention and time in it (that made me think that you're undermining my subjects and I can't be busy with it. Of course, I'm so busy but still I'm trying to manage my time and give allotment to this and to that! *strong*). And it's a burden to me that you don't want to be advised by me because you think you are intelligent than me! (I'm sorry but there's no competition here and I'm not having a race with you. Do it alone if you want. :p) See? Pride gives another person burdens. I think, a little knowledge of something you should know will help.

Okay now, the pen is missing again. Teehee <': I'm sorry, ang dami kong daldal. In my college years, I just don't write articles but also I'm currently undergoing a training (I'm not mentioning what's the training is for. Maybe, in the future) and it makes me feel soooo pressured. I don't know if pressured is the right word but it's the thing I can describe about these all. It's not my problem on what would I write but it's the way ''some'' (I'm quoting the word because I'm talking about just few of ''them'') colleagues of mine respond to my pleas and the way their pride works (I know you don't need my explanations about pride anymore). Now, I'm hurting and aching inside and I don't know when it will stop. As long as this work is not over, unless, I give up (which is very far from my mind to think of but, I admit, very near my heart wants to), I know, the hurt and disappointment will not fade away. The thing I'm certain about is I will not tolerate their rudeness and I will not let them step into me.

This is where my pen brought me now, so bitter, but I know where it would bring me next: to the time where disappointments will come to the end and happiness will always be to be continued.

Thank you for reading!

For this time, I will stop my sarcasm for it's not my plan to blog so long like a thick book (though it's my wish to, haaha!).

Until my next blog! Keep posted, guys. see yah!

January 12, 2012, Pacific Daylight Time

My life this week is really tiring and there's nothing I can do but to continue waking up early (though sometimes, I really woke up with king sun already up above me), going to school, make nerve-wracking projects, study harder, smile enough, cry more, think beyond, do double time, plan much, remind everyone twice. Well, it's all I can do to at least lessen my worry.

I'm really always like this this week or this month. I don't know why but all I know is that I'm pressured by this and by that, that I am new to this, I am a first timer, I don't know what to do and it seems that I am all alone, no one is with me. I have a group to ask help to but it seems that they do not care. I have people leading the same as I do but they are nowhere to be found. I want to give up but I think this is the time that I must stand up 'till the end, that I must be myself, that I should learn to do this on my own. I want to cry, really but what for? I think crying is a way to show your weakness and I don't want to admit to myself that I am weak and all. I know, I could be strong, I know I can think more than they think I can, I know I can do something no one else already have. Everyone is unique and I am unique. Everyone thinks I am that low but I know I'm not. I am more than they hope I would. I will let no one stepped into me.

Sometimes, people are really judgmental but they are unlucky because I have chances in my hand all the time and no matter what happen I'll make sure that I will be the one who will smile at the end. Well, anyway, I am not that cruel, I want everyone to smile at the end. Everyone who are deserving to smile.

“Fight till the last gasp.” (William Shakespeare)

January 17, 2012, Pacific Daylight Time

Okay. I am here again and I want to share all the bad things I had yesterday.

I was really disappointed. I really took a great sacrifice. I exerted effort and time, but what I have gained? I am here. Like a crumpled paper, I was scolded, insulted and worse, hurt. Yeah, call me weak, call me silly, call me stupid, call me oversensitive, overreacting, anything but I really felt bad about what happened. I want to cry. I want to shout. I want to brush pain away but i know in my heart, me, myself, is in doubt if the pain will really be brushed away.

The people I thought were my friend are already there, discouraging me. Some of them maybe betrayed me already and even already stabbed my back.

I hate them until now.

Have you been left by the one you love? Have you been waved goodbye by the person you thought was yours forever? It was very painful, right? How about when you love at the perfectly wrong time, when it is too late? Meaning, you love him and he realized that he do not love you anymore? How does it feel? If you ask me, I for one will say that I will be devastated; I will ask myself why I felt this just now, at the wrong time when it supposed to be in a perfectly right person for me. I will be hurt, of course. It would be like that, wouldn’t it? For some right things fall in a wrong place and tears fall when it is already too late.

Life in this world is very imperfect no matter how we make it perfect. Life is unfair, according to many, and it depends on us on what way we will be contented in order for us to perceive the fairness of life. Likewise, love in its nature is abided with pain. All of us may consider that love is the greatest feeling each of us has feel, it may transcend us to the other side of the earth we don’t even know existed and it may change our perspective on different things that induct us to forget, forgive and be happy but we cannot turn our back to the fact that love comes along with pain. Not all of us experienced the complete happiness when we begin to capture the magic of love. There is the love that supposed to be perfect but due to possessiveness, it will then cause pain and confusion to go on. There is the love that supposed to be idealistic but because of being too afraid to lose, it will then lead to fear. There is also love that seemed to be a true love at all but because of being too delayed to respond and too careless to keep or let me say, too late to realize, the person has already slipped away. Sadly, he may realize that his love is too lovable for him to give it to you, he may woke up in that unlucky morning thinking that you are not worthy for his love and so to say, you do not deserved it. It would be ungrateful to think of matter like that knowing that when one just grasps love, eventually, he will then catch heartbreak.

Love also sometimes leads a person to be bad. Actually, it is not just love for other people but love of oneself – too much love of oneself, which causes selfishness. The person is too weak to let go because he is too afraid to be hurt. Then, here comes now, the jealousy. As we all know, jealousy is considered as the product of the fear to be hurt, of selfishness to let go, of lack of will to trust and maybe also, of that too much love for the partner to give him to other person and thus, telling us that jealousy therefore is poisonous. When a person grows jealousy in his heart, unfortunately, he becomes bad. This other side of the coin, when we contemplate it, shows that too much love on self and worse, on the partner, will possibly lead a person to be an unrightful. After all, when love speaks, a person will go between being unrightful but happy and rightful yet lonely. At most, the first comes powerful. One statement only explains that: love is irrational.

In the odyssey of love, there are several possible conditions: loving in a wrong way and in a wrong time; loving in a perfect place, in a perfect time but unfortunately, in a wrong person; and loving wrongly at all if you perceive it on humankind’s view of being right and wrong. Perhaps, lucky are those who love rightfully on the right person, in the right place and right time. But maybe, there are only few who experienced that. Again, life is unfair. However, if I must be ask, I will answer that if one loves wrongly at all then I am sure that he is seeing it in the positive way, therefore, making it right for him. In love, there is no right and wrong as long as you love and I tell you, that is a blessing. It goes the same with loving someone who does not love you anymore – you are too late to feel it. In other words, I love him already but he doesn’t love me anymore and he loves someone else. Normally, it would be very painful, too devastating and quite understandable and it will take me a long time to accept the reality and move on. However, love sometimes means sacrifice, and bitterness is always there. Just feel the pain and always remember, relief will come how long time must take you, it will come and the right person ahead will heal you forever.

Love, may it be complicated or not, has never been a question at all since the beginning of time. Love is the greatest thing that has been given to us and the most precious treasure we ever give. It is therefore priceless in a way that it is a road between happiness and pain but paradoxically letting us feel both joy and twinge. Yes, love may cause pain but we cannot achieve true happiness without pain. We should at times understand that it is up to us, who love, on how we get grip on the handle as we ride the rollercoaster ride of love. If it meant to break, let it be – it must not a true love after all. Forget the past and move on. If it meant to fight, then fight – if things goes well at the end, it must be true love after all. If it meant to wait, then wait – love comes in a right time. We don’t need to think too much, just enough to know that when the chocolate we hold tastes bitter, just taste the bitterness. Always remember that a true chocolate is always sweet no matter how bitter its mixed cocoa ingredient is. At the end of the bitterness, there always turns out the true sweet flavor. Similar to love, when love brings too much pain, just feel the pain as long as you know that it is love. Bear in mind that true love, if it is really true, will always bring happiness at the end of the trail. As the true chocolate, true love will give its true flavor, its true meaning and its true essence since love is always be love after all.

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