The Pressure

January 12, 2012, Pacific Daylight Time

My life this week is really tiring and there's nothing I can do but to continue waking up early (though sometimes, I really woke up with king sun already up above me), going to school, make nerve-wracking projects, study harder, smile enough, cry more, think beyond, do double time, plan much, remind everyone twice. Well, it's all I can do to at least lessen my worry.

I'm really always like this this week or this month. I don't know why but all I know is that I'm pressured by this and by that, that I am new to this, I am a first timer, I don't know what to do and it seems that I am all alone, no one is with me. I have a group to ask help to but it seems that they do not care. I have people leading the same as I do but they are nowhere to be found. I want to give up but I think this is the time that I must stand up 'till the end, that I must be myself, that I should learn to do this on my own. I want to cry, really but what for? I think crying is a way to show your weakness and I don't want to admit to myself that I am weak and all. I know, I could be strong, I know I can think more than they think I can, I know I can do something no one else already have. Everyone is unique and I am unique. Everyone thinks I am that low but I know I'm not. I am more than they hope I would. I will let no one stepped into me.

Sometimes, people are really judgmental but they are unlucky because I have chances in my hand all the time and no matter what happen I'll make sure that I will be the one who will smile at the end. Well, anyway, I am not that cruel, I want everyone to smile at the end. Everyone who are deserving to smile.

“Fight till the last gasp.” (William Shakespeare)

January 17, 2012, Pacific Daylight Time

Okay. I am here again and I want to share all the bad things I had yesterday.

I was really disappointed. I really took a great sacrifice. I exerted effort and time, but what I have gained? I am here. Like a crumpled paper, I was scolded, insulted and worse, hurt. Yeah, call me weak, call me silly, call me stupid, call me oversensitive, overreacting, anything but I really felt bad about what happened. I want to cry. I want to shout. I want to brush pain away but i know in my heart, me, myself, is in doubt if the pain will really be brushed away.

The people I thought were my friend are already there, discouraging me. Some of them maybe betrayed me already and even already stabbed my back.

I hate them until now.