Those Words Cut Deeper

My pen is my sword. That motto still lingers in my head until now. I've been a member of a campus press for eight years already starting in my grade six. I'm not trying to boast you about it or something but I just want to share my experiences with you. These experiences, may it be happy or sad, difficult or easy, sweet or bitter has, somehow, brought a big achievement in my life. At the same time, these pen experiences brought bitterness and sufferings that made me feel confused on whether I'll be proud or regretful because I chose this kind of student life. Until now, I'm still asking to myself, what if I'm just a typical student? would I be contented with my life? wouldn't it be boring? would I be happy then? would I still have those kind of friends I'm having fun with? would my teachers still be proud of me? would my parents still talk about me to their colleagues? would all people I know still like me?

Well, that are my questions which answers are very much unknown to me. As I imagine those supposed situations, nothing came up to my mind but vague and ambiguous pictures and scenarios. Kung baga, wala kang kwenta, Irene, kung hondi ito ang pinili mo. That made me feel sad. It's like.. if you hold nothing so precious and very valuable, no one will accept you, no one will be proud of you as they do. So, you have to be a successful goal-getter. You must climb mountains and cross rivers. 'Yung magsikap ka para umasenso ka. Say, the maxim was not just applied to the life on its material aspects but also to the way the society will look upon you. Then, a though came to me, not all people became successful in life. I mean, those people who are not courageous enough to climb mountains and cross rivers. Does that mean they don't gain the kind of treatment those successful ones get? Then hey, another thought came to me. Some people who haven't been successful are still living happily, living happily with their simple lives, a kind of life which sometimes I dreamt to have. Simple yet still beautiful kind of life. The question was then answered.

Oh. So much for the deep realizations (nalumos nako sa akong english. nyaha.), let's go back to the pen I am talking about.

In my elementary years and even in my high school years, my use of my pen or simply, being a campus journalist is you just have to write, pass it tou your moderator, she will edit it, you will revise it and then, off you go. Simple as that. Then, when you're already an editor, you will just edit works and give commands and requests, then your colleagues will obey. I'm stressing here that when we are young, we are very obedient (plus, our mama will then give us extra allowance, yeeeez!). Pride will be set aside and goal will be the focus of all.

College is different. I'm not saying that goal is not the focus but I am referring to the negation of the first statement being mentioned above: pride will be set aside. In my life now based on experiences, pride was not set aside. Of course, I'm not an expert in psychology or anything but I think it's part of our growing up that pride in us is also growing. As we grow up, we gain knowledge, we gain name, we gain title that at times, we forgot to look down and be humble. I'm not again referring to individuals generally. I know, it depends on the kind of personality a person has. Here, I'm referring to a strong kind of personality. So, that's it, pride. For me, pride in its top extent, is evil. You know why? Because it gives burden to another person. In my case, it's a burden to me when I requested you of something and you ignored me because you think I don't have any right to give you a command or you're older than me. It's a burden to me if I'm asking or demanding (in this word, I think my patience already worn out) you of your output but you didn't hand me anything because you just want to carry burden or you just answered me (harshly and in a wrong way) that you forgot to finish it or you haven't done it at all because you're so busy and your subject is so hard that you have to give your full attention and time in it (that made me think that you're undermining my subjects and I can't be busy with it. Of course, I'm so busy but still I'm trying to manage my time and give allotment to this and to that! *strong*). And it's a burden to me that you don't want to be advised by me because you think you are intelligent than me! (I'm sorry but there's no competition here and I'm not having a race with you. Do it alone if you want. :p) See? Pride gives another person burdens. I think, a little knowledge of something you should know will help.

Okay now, the pen is missing again. Teehee <': I'm sorry, ang dami kong daldal. In my college years, I just don't write articles but also I'm currently undergoing a training (I'm not mentioning what's the training is for. Maybe, in the future) and it makes me feel soooo pressured. I don't know if pressured is the right word but it's the thing I can describe about these all. It's not my problem on what would I write but it's the way ''some'' (I'm quoting the word because I'm talking about just few of ''them'') colleagues of mine respond to my pleas and the way their pride works (I know you don't need my explanations about pride anymore). Now, I'm hurting and aching inside and I don't know when it will stop. As long as this work is not over, unless, I give up (which is very far from my mind to think of but, I admit, very near my heart wants to), I know, the hurt and disappointment will not fade away. The thing I'm certain about is I will not tolerate their rudeness and I will not let them step into me.

This is where my pen brought me now, so bitter, but I know where it would bring me next: to the time where disappointments will come to the end and happiness will always be to be continued.

Thank you for reading!

For this time, I will stop my sarcasm for it's not my plan to blog so long like a thick book (though it's my wish to, haaha!).

Until my next blog! Keep posted, guys. see yah!